Life is an unending series of pregnant pauses

Some hotel, Manila, 2008:

I’m walking out of the hotel. Some old man approaches:

Old man: You want a girl, sir?

Me: (a pause) I just came out of there. Didn’t you see that?

Old man: (smiles, seemingly unsure) But…you want a girl, sir?

Me: (a pause)

***

February 2000, Doroteo Jose, Avenida:

My hands are full — I carry two huge boxes of computer parts. I barely see ahead of me. I stand by the corner of Recto and Avenida, waiting to cross the road.

Old woman approaches.

Old Woman: Sir, you want a girl, sir?

Me: (a pause) How do I do that? (with my mouth, I point at the boxes I’m carrying, hoping she’d get the “I’m a bit busy” message).

Old Woman: Sir… (a pause)…blowjob na lang, sir?

Me: (a pause)

***

Malacanang Palace, sometime in the 1970s, during a press conference:

Secretary of Defense: Yes, Mr President, it’s only a rumor.

Ferdinand Marcos: But it’s outrageous! Of course, I have two ROUND testicles!

Secretary of Defense: Yes, sir, but… (a pause) If you would just let me feel your balls for a minute in front of these reporters, then we’ll prove you have not one, but two COMPLETE, healthy ROUND nuts.

Ferdinand Marcos: (a pause)

***

And while they were eating, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me.”

They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely not I, Lord?”

Jesus replied, “The one who will dip his hand into the bowl with me will betray me.”

At that time, Judas was not listening; he was so busy prying off his dentures that got stuck in the ham that he was startled when he dipped his hand into the bowl and felt that somebody’s hand was also there.

It was Jesus’ hand.

Jesus and Judas looked at each other. A pause.

And Judas said, “Is it I, my Lord?”

“Is it I my Lord?” Jesus said, mimicking Judas. “Is it I, my Lord?!”

{From “Jesus and Judas Comedy Extravaganza“}

***

And so it goes, till the end of time.

***

{Image: Charlie White’s “Understanding Joshua“}

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