Dead Space, released a couple of weeks ago, is one very highly rated Xbox 360 game. I don’t usually give a crap about the ratings, but when you see a game receiving a score like 9 out of 10, you wonder, “What’s the 1 point about?”
And of course, the box art’s cool. I’m very easy to please.
I bought a copy of the game, and here are some first impressions and actual screenshots.
I play Isaac Clarke, the name derived from sci-fi writers Isaac Asimov and Arthur Clarke. This is in the future where awesome space travel thingies happen, like, all the time. You see that dude to the left [above], that’s me. I’m watching two important game characters talk about the merits of cocksucking in zero gravity [that would be the bald-headed one], the OMG fun of a pillow fight [that would be the lady with that nice ass], and what the fuck’s that dead-looking floating ship looming in our cockpit screen?
Fuck-up number 1 happens, and next thing you know, our tough asses are heading down and into the dead ship, known as USG Ishimura. So above image is the sight of the four of us during happier times — and by happier times, I mean the first very few minutes we’re walking into what we will later learn is a Necromorph-infested ship. The dude to the left is, of course, me. I’m the “specialist,” sort of an engineer. So the weapons I wield in this game are pretty much improvised MacGyver-ish contraptions.
I don’t follow much the conversation, but I feel pretty weird so I go to a “safer” place. Above, I’m just watching the others talk about how fucked-up this place is. In storytelling, this is “foreshadowing.” They’re kind of building up the general atmospheric fucked-up-ness of the ship, and all the questions direct to really terrible answers. I hold the wireless Xbox 360 controller firmly and wait.
Now this is the exciting part — that part where you know someone’s gonna die horribly — and it’s not you! One, because you’re the player! And two, you’re in a “safer” place behind some glass. And glass, as everybody knows, is awesome!
I’m looking at the black dude [above right] and then it hits me: blacks and Asians die first in any Hollywood movie. So black dude’s getting it!
This is how I react the moment I see that ugly motherfucker, which I officially call Ugly Motherfucker for reference purposes henceforth, creep up on black dude. I stoop down to get a better view of how Ugly Motherfucker turns black dude into corned beef in a matter of seconds.
What happens next after this isn’t pretty. Basically lots of twitching and screaming and Ugly Motherfucker having the upper hand [or upperclaws].
The moment Ugly Motherfucker turns to me, I do any ninja evading action any awesome player does at times like this: I run like hell. Above, Ugly Motherfucker tries to break through the heavy elevator doors while I merely watch, my panties in a twitch.
In my panic, I forget how to use my gun. I mash the control keys and my character begins going Chuck Norris on Ugly Motherfucker’s ass. Whap! Bam! Boom!
Despite all indications, I’m not really trying to make out with Ugly Motherfucker [above]. That’s it [right] trying to eat my head off. That’s me [left] screaming like a little girl and convincing it that my head’s isn’t the tastiest part of my body and will it please try chewing the hand grenade first?
Somehow I escape Ugly Motherfucker’s vise-like grip. The table promptly turns. This is me being hyper-Chuck Norris in spacesuit again. This time, I get to really beat the alien crap out of it.
Hah! Nothing’s better than enjoying the moment and reveling in your own awesomeness. Behind me is the foggy place where I must later go. Who knows what monsters lurk in those shadows, what kinds of silly hand-eye-coordination puzzles I must solve, what demeaning things I must perform? As the “Specialist,” I will and I must explore this very dangerous, Ugly Motherfucker-infested ship and escape with my ass intact. The very thought of it makes my Xbox controller vibrate in some primal excitement.
I’m just starting Dead Space and already I’m getting the hang of it. And by all indications, I think it rightfully deserves all the buzz. Mind-blowing graphics, some groundbreaking innovations, really ugly looking monstahs, lots of blood and gore and violence. It’s perfect for kids! It’s another good reason not to go out in the sunshine and play with actual people!
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