(One boring day two years ago, I was looking for something funny to write just to amuse myself. And so I did what every normal person will do — I tried to turn the Bible into a comedy. Hence the two stories below.
Warning: unexciting people shouldn’t read this, at all.)
Part 1: “Jesus sings Sinatra”
And when Jesus went out, He saw a great multitude, and He was moved with compassion for them, so he went back inside the room, and later he came out dressed in a carrot suit. He went around the multitude and entertained them and pulled a rabbit out of a hat and made jokes about mothers-in-law.
And the sick were healed because they were happy. And one of them asked, “Do you do Tupperware parties, too?”
And Jesus said, “Only on weekdays.”
When it was evening, the disciples came to Him, saying, “This is a deserted place. There’s not even a local Pizza Hut franchise in sight. Send the multitudes away, that they may go into the villages and buy themselves food and do some R & R in some videoke bar so that they can also sing ‘My Way.’”
But Jesus said to them, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”
And they said to Him, “We only have here five loaves and two fish.”
Jesus said, “Bring them to me.”
Then He commanded the multitude to sit down on the grass, then He took the five loaves and noticed they were long past their expiration date. He took the two fish and smelled them and said, “This smells like James’s armpits.” So He commanded Judas to call on the cellphone the Salvation Army or the ABS-CBN Foundation for five truckloads of relief goods. Then the trucks came immediately, and the disciples were so awed at the quick response that they asked Him, “Master, how did you do it?”
Jesus chuckled and said, “I have clout.”
And they all ate and were filled, and they took up twelve baskets full of plastic wrappers and Styrofoam cups and table napkins. And James said, “Let us not throw away these. I can make teddy bears out of these Styrofoam cups.”
Immediately, Jesus made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side, while He sent the multitudes away.
And when He had sent the multitudes away, He went up on a mountain by Himself, checked if it was a WIFI hotspot, then checked his Friendster account on his laptop. And he was disappointed because some teenager flooded the bulletin posts by posting fifteen times some chain email about a woman called Mary that you have to send to many people or else you’ll die tonight. Jesus asked wisdom from the Father and the Father told him, “Unfriend
that kid.” So Jesus removed the kid from his list of friends.
Now, in the fourth watch of the night, Jesus came to the disciples on the boat, walking on the sea.
And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were amazed, saying, “Cool. Can you also do somersaults?”
Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Be of good cheer. Of course, I can somersault.”
And Jesus did a somersault.
The disciples were doubly amazed, and they said, “Can you also spit through your front teeth?”
Jesus said, “Of course.”
The disciples asked, “Like, as far as five strides?”
Jesus became annoyed, and said, “Of course, I can spit as far as five strides. And even farther.” And Jesus spat through his front teeth, and hit somebody standing by the seashore.
The disciples were amazed, and they all said, “Wow. That kicked ass.”
But Peter said, “Master, I can also walk on water.”
The disciples said, “Oh, shut up, Peter.”
Peter said, “Seriously, I can.” And Peter came off the boat to walk on water, but immediately, he sank like a rock. And Peter was gone.
And Jesus said, “From now on, let us remember Peter as ‘Peter the Rock.’”
And the disciples said, “Truly, you are wise, Master. ‘Peter the Rock’ sounds like a wrestler’s name, and only you can think of it, oh Son of God.”
And Jesus, upon hearing it, just shrugged like he didn’t care. After all, as far as he knew it, the only other creature that could walk on water was not even human; it was a lizard, a basilisk. But the disciples did not know it. So Jesus said, “Let’s call it a day and let’s go to a videoke bar. I hear they have this intriguing new contraption called ‘Magic Sing.””
The disciples asked, “Master, can you sing ‘My Way,’ too?”
Jesus was annoyed. He said, “All ye of little faith. Of course, I can sing that song. In fact, I can do almost anything except chartered accountancy.”
And right there standing on the sea, Jesus began singing Frank Sinatra’s song.
The Sleeping Dictionary ipod Part 2: “Judas The Armadillo”
When evening came, and when Saturday Night Live was over, Jesus was reclining at the table with the Twelve. They talked about why Scarlett Johansson was simply the sexiest girl on Earth, and how George Bush sometimes reminded James of a nasty baboon he once saw on National Geographic.
And while they were eating, Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, one of you will betray me.”
They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely not I, Lord?”
Jesus replied, “The one who will dip his hand into the bowl with me will betray me.”
At that time, Judas was not listening; he was so busy prying off his dentures that got stuck in the ham that he was startled when he dipped his hand into the bowl and felt that somebody’s hand was also there.
It was Jesus’ hand.
Jesus and Judas looked at each other.
And Judas said, “Is it I, my Lord?”
“’Is it I my Lord’?” Jesus said, mimicking Judas. “’Is it I, my Lord’?”
“But that was an accident,” Judas stammered. “I didn’t hear you.”
All the disciples stared at Judas.
“So now I am the villain, eh?” Judas said. “So what if my opinion has always been different from yours? Look, guys, if we’re gonna say the same thing, why in hell do we have to speak at all? Why don’t we just stare at one another and admire one another’s butts?”
James said, “Dude, you can’t do that to the Son of Man.”
“Yeah,” John seconded. “I thought only Dinky Soliman [Dinky was controversial in March 2006 -- JB] could do that. And now, we have you. Now, God will punish you and transform you into a Chinese spotted swine.”
But Judas didn’t become a Chinese spotted swine; in an instant, he transformed into an armadillo.
The other disciples were so astonished.
Bartholomew said, “Cool.”
James said, “I’m sick and tired of eating bread my whole life. Don’t you guys think this thing will taste good when roasted?”
“Yeah,” James said, “let’s stick it up on a spit and roast it over the coals. Like what folks do in the Philippines.”
“Do they have armadillos in the Philippines?” Bartholomew asked.
“No, but they have Franklin Drilon and Joe de Venecia. I think that’s worse.”
But as they spoke, Judas the armadillo rolled up into a ball and went crashing out the door. He rolled and rolled until he found himself in the temple. Once in the temple, he became a dude again.
Judas ran to the first priest he saw and screamed like a girl.
And the priest asked, “And who did you say tried to eat you?”
“Jesus Christ!”
“Aw, come on. Try another one.”
“No, I’m serious. Jesus and my friends tried to eat me. They thought I was an armadillo.”
The priest laughed. “Yeah, I watched this Monty Python film once. They had this Roman general named Biggus Dickus. That was funny, too.”
“No, no, no!” Judas panicked. “I’m telling the truth. Look, if you don’t believe me, I’ll lead you to them. They’re going to a beer garden called Gethsemane.”
“And?”
“And I’ll kiss the one who tried to eat me.”
“And why would you do that?”
Judas was stumped. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s written somewhere that I should kiss him.”
“Okay. I have this feeling this information is not free, is it?”
Judas stared at the priest, his eyes gleaming. He said with a Dr Evil gleam in his eyes, “You have to pay me thirty. Billion. Fifillion. Zizillion. Silver. Pieces.”
The priest laughed. “Are you crazy? Guards, get this piece of shit out of here before I have him guillotined.”
“But, Sir,” Judas said, “the guillotine hasn’t yet been invented.”
“Okay. What’s your point?”
“Well, you can’t guillotine me if nobody yet knows what a guillotine is.”
The priest pondered it and said, “Tell me about the electric chair.”
“Sure, sure,” Judas said impatiently. “But pay me first.”
Again, the priest laughed.
“Five billion,” Judas said.
The priest shook his head.
“One billion?” Judas said.
Crank 2: High Voltage The priest was rolling on the floor in laughter. One of the guards said, “This guy’s so hilarious. He’s even funnier than Teddy Casino and his friends hiding inside the Batasan Complex.” [Teddy and his friends "hiding" inside the Batasan Complex was big news in the summer of 2006 -- JB]
“Yeah,” another guard said. “or that bunch of buffoons who call themselves the Black Friday Movement. Really funny.” [The Black Friday Movement, who last heard still exists, is really a funny group of activists. Google them! -- JB]
When the laughter dissipated, the priest said, “Dude, we won’t give you any. Not one, not ten billion silver. But….”
“But what?”
Milk hd “But if you can really kiss this guy like you say you would, I’ll give you something. Maybe a bag of peanuts.”
Judas thought it over, realized it was fair enough, and whispered, “I have a little problem. I’m willing to accept the peanuts, but can we keep it secret? Like don’t tell anybody?”
“Sure,” the priest said.
“And can you mention in your Jewish newsletter that what you gave me were silver coins?”
The priest thought about it, nodded, and said, “You know what, I like you.”
Judas grinned. “I like you, too.”
“I’m not really a full-time priest. I sing and do guitars at a local pub. Maybe we should form a band.”
Judas became excited. “Cool. Let’s call it Judas and Priest.”
The priest said, “Why not Judas Priest?”
“Okay.”
Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones ipod And so Judas left the temple with his bag of peanuts. After the Gethsemane incident, the duo formed a heavy metal band in 1970, and went on to become what junkies call “The Metal Gods.”
Now, that’s funny.
{Originally posted here and here}
{Image: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, a really awesome B-movie}
Comments 1
hey, this is awesome. when are you going to send me my compli copy?!!!
Posted 08 Jan 2010 at 2:40 pm ¶Trackbacks & Pingbacks 2
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