The Spinal Tap

I enter a hotel room. Somebody obscenely rich is having a cocktail party. Nobody’s there that I know. This bothers me for a few moments, until I realize why: everyone’s face is a huge, pink vagina.

I approach a gentleman in a suit, whose face is of course a huge vagina. I try to make conversation. But all that comes out of my mouth is the word “vagina.”

Me: Vagina vagina.

Gentleman in a suit: Vagina vagina vagina

Me: (very confused) Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!

Gentleman ina  suit: (becomes nervous, tries to calm me down) Vagiiiina… Vagiiiina…

Me: (I step back in horror. I look around me. All the vagina-faced people — guests of the party — are staring. I snap angrily at them) Vagina!!! Vagina vagina vagina vagina!!! Vagina!!!

Everybody: (embarrased, they drive me out of the party) Vagina…. vagina… Vagina! Vagina vagina!…

Me: (I run out. I crash on tables. I stumble on the door. I’m crying) Vagina… Vagiiiina. Vagina! Vagina vagina vagina!

– END –

{This makes sense only if you’ve seen Charlie Kaufman’s 1999 film Being John Malkovich. And if you’re a dude.}

{Image: Jamie McCartney’s “vagina statues” — casts of the interiors of actual vaginas.}

Other Cool Posts

• Dibs on ‘Dead Space’ [Xbox 360]
• Why did the chicken cross the road and leap into the red-hot wok?
• When you care enough to send the very best anus picture
• Mischief, mayhem, soap
• All you need is a song and the drama’s complete
• Explaining the Bible in short, bullshit-free narrative
• That’s the thing with greed, Archy. It’s blind.
• In a perfect world, he’d be swimmin’ in a closed tub full of his own milky diarrhea until he says, “Sphincterboysayswaaaaat!”
• I am delicate like plastic
• And in the afterhours, you’ll see, I love you, almost madly*